WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
