Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
