I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
