She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
