Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Pooping to opera.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
