Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
