Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
