you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
