so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
