I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
