just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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