I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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