im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
