If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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