I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
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she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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