Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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