i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
