You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
