So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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