i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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