my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
