I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
