I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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