i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
