Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
A+ Viking dick
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
