Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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