she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
