I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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