just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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