Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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