Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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