I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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