I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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