i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
This is the high leading the old right now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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