he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I didn't notice because vodka
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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