This is not my ceiling
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
