It was confusing and full of hummus
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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