i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need moral support for this bender
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
