I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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