I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
