he wants to bone in the snuggie
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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