my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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