Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
