I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
