theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
