I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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