somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
