I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
