I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
