Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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