Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
