Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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