the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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