They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
