i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She even gives head with a lisp.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
