nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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