I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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