she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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