Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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