Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
